Hello, I am going into the New Year of 2019 with a newly diagnosis of Diabetes Type 2. At first when I was diagnosed, I was taken aback, for I’ve had pre diabetes for years, which at first started with gestational diabetes. So, let me start with 20 years ago…the beginning of my life as a young pregnant girlfriend. I was happy and scared at the same time because my ex husband and I were unprepared (we were living in the basement of my moms town home) at the time. We both wanted a child, but much later because even though we were planning on being married…we didn’t want to be married for at least another year. John and I have only dated a short time but I knew that he was my knight in shining armor…I was way off then, but I can at least say that we were happy for a brief time, until life got complicated and hard.
Around my 3rd trimester, after some routine blood work I got a call from Planned Parenthood and they said that I had to start seeing a doctor at the hospital. I asked them why and they said because my platelets were continuously dropping. Back then I did not know what platelets really did, I did not know the meaning of the word to be honest with you…I knew it had something to do with my blood. So, without any major concern, I made the appointment with a doctor they recommended at the hospital.
From then on, my pregnancy became high risk because my platelets just kept dropping drastically then in days go back up within hours to drop down crazily again. So, after consulting with the doctors, they decided it was in my best interest to begin Prednisone therapy. I was on a very high dosage of Prednisone because my platelets could have been as low as 5,000 to the 80,000’s being the highest.
Shortly after, I noticed I was hungry but 100,000 X more hungry then my normal hungry. I just couldn’t control my eating and or my drinking, at one point I was drinking a gallon of milk in one day. About three months or so into the Prednisone therapy, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I cried on the way home that day (good thing my mother was driving). We had to make an appointment soon to see a nurse about how to take insulin from a syringe. It was supposed to be a very simple appointment, in and out 15/25 minutes tops! All I had to do was learn how to use a syringe. Well, I couldn’t do it, I kept laughing as I was about to poke myself in the thigh, my mom as well as the nurse was getting agitated with me. I think I must have apologized about 100 times!!
I kept saying, I’m sorry I can’t do it. It was turning into an hour and a half and at this point my mom was furious and she yelled at me and then the nurse also claimed I could not leave the facility until I learned to poke myself with that orange syringe. That’s when I knew I had no choice but to poke myself, once I did-I was perfectly fine. So, throughout my pregnancy I would take my Prednisone, then take my insulin…it became routine to check my sugar regularly.
Then, I had my handsome son pre maturely because I started to develop toxemia this is after being diagnosed with hypertension 1. He was taken out on October 26th, 1998 by emergency C-section. So, there is a brief history of how I developed diabetes in my body to begin with, oh and FYI I was strongly urged not to have any more children. The team of doctors told my mother and I that there is a good chance that I could die or the baby if I became pregnant again. They at one point thought that Nicholas would get low platelets because I had it.
Now, my son is a healthy 20 year old and I am not healthy in any shape, way or form. I am 48 years old with a stomach that looks like I’m pregnant, I hurt in my knees, my ankles and lately my stomach has been starting to hurt from hanging down all the time. I am very depressed over my stomach, not my looks per say, just my stomach. It’s so big!! I mean, how can I even carry it around all day and night is truly beyond me, it’s a nuisance, it’s in the way of my every day life!! My stomach is A HUGE BURDEN!
A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Diabetes Type 2-I know why, but at the same time I don’t understand why. There were times I have eaten very healthy, then there were times that I gave up and gave in and ate whatever the fuck I wanted. Sometimes I cry when I can’t have a certain food I want…really?? How old am I??? Am I 4 years old or 48…does anyone else cry over a food that they can not have? Am I the only one that experiences this embarrassing part of having a food addiction and diabetes? I’m just so sick of my health problems, I am a burden to myself and to my family, friends and loved ones. I know I am-I complain about every ailment…which is about what I can control, but choose not too because it is too hard.
Anything that is too hard, I choose not to complete or follow through strictly and I do not like that part of me. I can’t stand that part of me, I want to change that part of me, I always have but I never could and now my brain is so used to quitting when something gets hard….I’m on disability. Why, because life got hard!!! Why am I like this, why??? Do I blame myself, do I blame others, do I blame no one? How can I change everything that my family wants me to change??
That’s another thing, I get mad because everyone has no problem nit picking at everything that I fault at, but has no problem not admitting to their own. Or they will admit to their own, but decide they are not going to change but expect me too…how is that fair in any relationship??
How did I, Jennifer, handle life? I ate food. For example, right now I want something sweet and it is 10:24pm…I almost want to order something sweet, what is wrong with me that I feel this need to eat it??????? Just talking about it, I want it. I want it so bad that I hate myself for wanting the one thing that can kill me. Then, of course, I become depressed because I worry that I may give in to that craving. Why do I always crave sweets?? Is that my blood sugar acting crazy or is it all in my head?????????
So, here I am the New Year…kicking in with a newly diagnosis of diabetes type 2. I have no excuses, I messed up, I never cared about myself. I ate whatever I wanted and when I wanted. I ate when I was happy. I ate when I was sad. I ate when I was celebrating. I ate when I was angry. I ate. Now, I suffer because stuffing my pie hole with food caused my body to have problems creating enough insulin. Right now, that is all I understand about diabetes and the fact that I can reverse it.
That is the only good news about this diagnosis, it is reversible. There is a redo button or an easy button-there is hope for diabetes. If there is hope for diabetes then there has to be hope for depression!! In closing, depression and diabetes does not have to mean that my life or anyone else’s life is doomed. I will have to learn how to cope as if I lost a friend – that friend is food! I have to learn to cope with what I am losing but I will be gaining so much more then a sugar rush or sugar high. I will be gaining my life which for the first time ever I will be fighting for.
Depression and Diabetes does not mean that my life is doomed. It doesn’t mean that yours is as well, it’s okay to feel these feelings and it’s okay to talk about them.