Depression & Diabetes…does that mean that my life is doomed?

 

health medical medicine diet
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Hello, I am going into the New Year of 2019 with a newly diagnosis of Diabetes Type 2.  At first when I was diagnosed, I was taken aback, for I’ve had pre diabetes for years, which at first started with gestational diabetes.  So, let me start with 20 years ago…the beginning of my life as a young pregnant girlfriend.  I was happy and scared at the same time because my ex husband and I were unprepared (we were living in the basement of my moms town home) at the time.  We both wanted a child, but much later because even though we were planning on being married…we didn’t want to be married for at least another year.  John and I have only dated a short time but I knew that he was my knight in shining armor…I was way off then, but I can at least say that we were happy for a brief time, until life got complicated and hard.

Around my 3rd trimester, after some routine blood work I got a call from Planned Parenthood and they said that I had to start seeing a doctor at the hospital. I asked them why and they said because my platelets were continuously dropping.  Back then I did not know what platelets really did, I did not know the meaning of the word to be honest with you…I knew it had something to do with my blood.  So, without any major concern, I made the appointment with a doctor they recommended at the hospital.

From then on, my pregnancy became high risk because my platelets just kept dropping drastically then in days go back up within hours to drop down crazily again. So, after consulting with the doctors, they decided it was in my best interest to begin Prednisone therapy.  I was on a very high dosage of Prednisone because my platelets could have been as low as 5,000 to the 80,000’s being the highest.

Shortly after, I noticed I was hungry but 100,000 X  more hungry then my normal hungry.  I just couldn’t control my eating and or my drinking, at one point I was drinking a gallon of milk in one day.  About three months or so into the Prednisone therapy, I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, I cried on the way home that day (good thing my mother was driving).  We had to make an appointment soon to see a nurse about how to take insulin from a syringe. It was supposed to be a very simple appointment, in and out 15/25 minutes tops! All I had to do was learn how to use a syringe.  Well, I couldn’t do it, I kept laughing as I was about to poke myself in the thigh, my mom as well as the nurse was getting agitated with me. I think I must have apologized about 100 times!!

I kept saying, I’m sorry I can’t do it.  It was turning into an hour and a half and at this point my mom was furious and she yelled at me and then the nurse also claimed I could not leave the facility until I learned to poke myself with that orange syringe.  That’s when I knew I had no choice but to poke myself, once I did-I was perfectly fine. So, throughout my pregnancy I would take my Prednisone, then take my insulin…it became routine to check my sugar regularly.

Then, I had my handsome son pre maturely because I started to develop toxemia this is after being diagnosed with hypertension 1.  He was taken out on October 26th, 1998 by emergency C-section.  So, there is a brief history of how I developed diabetes in my body to begin with, oh and FYI I was strongly urged not to have any more children. The team of doctors told my mother and I that there is a good chance that I could die or the baby if I became pregnant again.  They at one point thought that Nicholas would get low platelets because I had it.

Now, my son is a healthy 20 year old and I am not healthy in any shape, way or form. I am 48 years old with a stomach that looks like I’m pregnant, I hurt in my knees, my ankles and lately my stomach has been starting to hurt from hanging down all the time.  I am very depressed over my stomach, not my looks per say, just my stomach. It’s so big!!  I mean, how can I even carry it around all day and night is truly beyond me, it’s a nuisance, it’s in the way of my every day life!! My stomach is A HUGE BURDEN!

A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Diabetes Type 2-I know why, but at the same time I don’t understand why. There were times I have eaten very healthy, then there were times that I gave up and gave in and ate whatever the fuck I wanted. Sometimes I cry when I can’t have a certain food I want…really??  How old am I??? Am I 4 years old or 48…does anyone else cry over a food that they can not have? Am I the only one that experiences this embarrassing part of having a food addiction and diabetes? I’m just so sick of my health problems, I am a burden to myself and to my family, friends and loved ones. I know I am-I complain about every ailment…which is about what I can control, but choose not too because it is too hard.

Anything that is too hard, I choose not to complete or follow through strictly and I do not like that part of me.  I can’t stand that part of me, I want to change that part of me, I always have but I never could and now my brain is so used to quitting when something gets hard….I’m on disability. Why, because life got hard!!!  Why am I like this, why??? Do I blame myself, do I blame others, do I blame no one? How can I change everything that my family wants me to change??

That’s another thing, I get mad because everyone has no problem nit picking at everything that I fault at, but has no problem not admitting to their own.  Or they will admit to their own, but decide they are  not going to change but expect me too…how is that fair in any relationship??

How did I, Jennifer, handle life?  I ate food. For example, right now I want something sweet and it is 10:24pm…I almost want to order something sweet, what is wrong with me that I feel this need to eat it??????? Just talking about it, I want it. I want it so bad that I hate myself for wanting the one thing that can kill me.  Then, of course, I become depressed because I worry that I may give in to that craving. Why do I always crave sweets?? Is that my blood sugar acting crazy or is it all in my head?????????

So, here I am the New Year…kicking in with a newly diagnosis of diabetes type 2. I have no excuses, I messed up, I never cared about myself.  I ate whatever I wanted and when I wanted. I ate when I was happy. I ate when I was sad. I ate when I was celebrating.  I ate when I was angry. I ate. Now, I suffer because stuffing my pie hole with food caused my body to have problems creating enough insulin.  Right now, that is all I understand about diabetes and the fact that I can reverse it.

That is the only good news about this diagnosis, it is reversible. There is a redo button or an easy button-there is hope for diabetes. If there is hope for diabetes then there has to be hope for depression!! In closing, depression and diabetes does not have to mean that my life or anyone else’s life is doomed.  I will have to learn how to cope as if I lost a friend – that friend is food!  I have to learn to cope with what I am losing but I will be gaining so much more then a sugar rush or sugar high.  I will be gaining my life which for the first time ever I will be fighting for.

Depression and Diabetes does not mean that my life is doomed.  It doesn’t mean that yours is as well, it’s okay to feel these feelings and it’s okay to talk about them.

It’s okay.

 

 

Advertisements

While Going through Files…

While going through my files… I came across a poem I wrote for my ex boyfriend Alans’ dad who was in the marines.  It’s interesting – I was actually looking for my child care certificates for a job interview tomorrow (which I have not found, so I will have to print them out yet again) and that’s when I came across a few poems.  But, for some reason,  I want to write this particular poem on my blog and we are not even close to memorial day!  I kind of do things backwards, because in a way I’m always living my life backwards.  Then again, don’t we all?? Ok, before I get off track here we go:

Memorial Day  (What does it mean to me?)

Memorial day means to me – how our country continues to be free because noble  men and women continuously prove their loyalty to America and peoples battle for people’s  right to believe in their own religion and or to live in healthy relationships.  God, love and America, we have all of that because brave souls were shot at or killed by bombs, so don’t comb the grocery aisles looking for the perfect ground meat on sale, think about the hell that those people went through for us….ponder on that thought for awhile as you stock up your cart with food in a pile.

While some people gather around with family and share funny stories, eating delicious food, laughing until their bellies hurt or spending time at the beach or in their backyards…

Other families, their mood is somber. Imagine how they must feel at their grave as they grieve and wonder if their loved one is in heaven peacefully among the clouds within God’s love and hands? Their hearts oh so brave -mid day, those families are standing at the graves, praying their loved one’s  death was not painful and their bodies will be found. So the man or women in the military can be laid to rest in their states land in their home town.

So, please take a stand for those men and who perished in another land. Give thanks in a respectful manner and cherish in our souls what they have given us. They fought for the United States of America so the Liberty bell will continue to ring, because of history’s battles is to hear freedom sing.

We are given the true meaning of Memorial Day and yet some people don’t want to think about the horror. They push the thought way out of their mind. Through the battles of war screams, blood and the bridge of death awaits, is what they see and find. in a place where they are not home. Is that a soldiers’ fate? I pray not, I pray they do not get shot. I pray a bomb does not blow them to pieces. I pray selfish people will realize what the military fight for….because for them home is pure.  To the selifsh person, how do you feel about the country you live in? Why don’t you go ahead and have the second gin while you listen to your favorite tunes and grin and think memorial day is coming and it is time to loop it up-I feel sorry for you because you are lost and do not see where those soldiers have to be.

As the sun shines down while we grill cheeseburgers and drink beer, pray for the families who are standing in front of their loved ones’ head stone.Let the silence be the only sound and salute those today, it does not matter what color they wore whether it was the green, white and blue I want to genuinely say  thank you.  Thank you for giving all of us the freedom to speak our minds, to hold onto protection within our homes, freedom to never be lashed with whips or stoned to death for believing in God.  What does memorial day mean to me? That the military is there for the United States of America so we can believe and have faith.

 

To be or not to be….

Deciding not to be scared and to be  a volunteer…

I’ve been told over and over again to volunteer, volunteer and volunteer throughout the years of my life when I was down in the deepest, darkest depression. I could have been just getting out of one and venting to a family member or a friend searching for that approval, for that need to change to stop being a need and to start being a part of something bigger than myself. It’s as if I’m hearing the conversation on a video and I’m hitting the play button over and over and over again.                         I get it- I understand the whole volunteer thing, I truly do…I’ve never disregarded the idea or wrote it off.  It’s always been there in thought, on back burner that is, which is why the conversation repeats in my mind.  I feel bad that I don’t do it, I enjoyed it when I did that one time.  I felt really good about myself, I observed new things, met new people, had a small purpose in that one day and learned about tropical plants in my community and watched beautiful reptiles, birds and fish.  It was a fun day, even though I got sick at one point while volunteering but I pushed and pushed and made it until my time was up.                                                                        I know that it’s an opportunity to grow in spirit, emotionally, mentally and to be more aware of anything and everything  other than yourself. It’s an opportunity to grow inside your own community, to get involved in other people’s lives and not to be selfish and or feel trapped in your own comfort zone.                                                       Here’s a little bit of my history growing up,  I grew up in Jersey, I never volunteered in my whole life there… even as an adult.  I moved to Florida when my son was around 4 ish….for the first time in my whole life I volunteered.  I didn’t volunteer as often as I wanted too or as much as I should have.  Since 2005 I have volunteered once and started the process of another volunteer position but decided not to go through it.  I don’t know why, I tend to do that often…decide not to do it.                          Deciding is not something I do very well and every day we all decide. It starts the second we wake up and it does not stop until we go to bed. Who knows, maybe our minds are deciding what dreams we are to have!!!  lol.  No, seriously, decision making as well as time management are two qualities you have to learn as a human being in this day and age. I do not possess those qualities at the level I should at my age.  So needless to say, I consistently worry about not showing up, being late, not contacting anyone when I am not going to show up or be late and just being  irresponsible!!                                                                                                                                     Those negative actions that I have chosen to do so in the past,  continues to haunt me. Now, I think it is more of a bad habit now as well as fear of repeating these actions out of pure habit that I have done all of my life. I know most of you do not know me and probably think that I do  not give a shit,  because I truly do care about volunteering and want to help others, I just have trouble with those two major important qualities that is needed to survive.                                                                              In this world, sorry, in my world the question is to be or not to be…a volunteer? Yes, I want to be a volunteer, I say yes to committing myself to helping others in a healthy way.  I say yes to feeling better about myself because I am out of my comfort zone, out of my head and out of my world as well as surroundings.  I say yes to success, once I start, I’ll be fine.  I’m beginning to expand my horizons with activities for I am on disability and that is what worries me about being a volunteer or having a job.  I do not want to cancel because I do not feel good for whatever reason.  I do not want to let other people down and or upset. Those people count on me, when I sign up…I have to just suck it up and go.  I say yes to be a person who will show and  not to be a person who just doesn’t give a damn.

 

Accountability

IMG_2652

1.) I can and I will learn to log my food and journal once again. 2.) I can and I will pray more than I have been. 3.) I can and I will make more time for my family. 4.) I can and I will take the steps to have a healthier lifestyle in the presence and near future. 5.) I can and I will attend all of my diabetes classes and take notes, ask the appropriate question as well as learn from the professionals. 6.) I can and I will get involved with the community. 7.) I can and I will learn to say no and have boundaries. 8.) I can and I will slowly distance myself from negativity until the negativity is out of sight and out of mind. 9.) I can and I will have faith within myself. 10.) I can and I will like myself for I never have before.

Did you ever…

Did you ever find that some of your best work seems to happen when you are about to drift off to sleep?  Well, that happened to me last night, 3 poems back to back,only problem was I was so tired and almost asleep so I didn’t get up and write them down.

I so wish I did because I’m telling you they were honestly the best poems I have ever written about what’s happening now in America.  When I was younger I wrote about the Berlin War because some of my army friends were being shipped off to Germany.  It was so hard to see them go, some of us kept in touch but for the most part our little group of friends we all moved on with our lives.  I wrote about how the army can affect a relationship and the worry as well as stress that one can go through.  I also wrote about how they go to another country to die in war…that one was called: In Another Country…It was about our soldiers and it was the first time I ever wrote about anything other than myself or what I was going through in my life.  I wrote about others for the first time and it was real and believe me people it took a lot of my time to write it, it took me a few days because I wanted it to be perfect.

Well, what’s going on now is the George Zimmerman trials verdict and how America is reacting.  I am deeply  moved by this because I have never seen anything like this before even with the Casey Anthony case.  I’m actually somewhat ashamed to be living in America and I feel badly for even saying that because I love our country.  I wrote a poem about it and published it on google+, no title as of yet, but a great poem at least I think so.

It is real and there are feelings of hope, shame, fear, anger, sadness and to some degree dispaire becaues I for one do not want my 14 year old son to go through the 60’s, heck I don’t want to go through the 60’s. Why does it seem that America is repeating history, is that all we do, just keep repeating the bad but not the good?  

Did you ever find yourself praying for America?  I did for the first time since The Twin Towers, but I have prayed for many people that were going through hard times or were struggling with the media…I prayed for Casey Anthonys’ Daughter, I prayed for Casey to get help, I think she personally did it.  I prayed for justice for OJ Simpson wife and boyfriend, was it? I prayed the jury would think hard about the evidence and make the right decision.

Did you ever find y ourself caring so much about what’s happening to our country?  I can’t stop thinking about it.  I’m hurt, I’m angry and I’m sad and I don’t even know George Zimmerman and Treyvon Martin.  So, last night as I was drifting off to sleep I was angry at them both for making the wrong choices that night.  I was angry at President Obama for saying, “He could have been my son.”  I am angry at the mother and father of Treyvon for not getting the help he obviously needed…I’m angry towards two people I don’t know and I’m writing poetry about racism like crazy, I have never done that before.

I think I need to stop listening to the news for awhile, and relax, think about my own life and responsibilities, school will be starting soon for my son as well as myself.  I need to focus on me and my responsibility as an American to do what I feel is right, that means teaching my child that racism is wrong and disrespectful.  People have been killed over racism, gangs are formed like The Black Panthers…who are they?

Have you ever find yourself asking yourself too many questions and not getting hardly any answers?  I have.